🏠

i've been back in my childhood bedroom for almost a year now, and i find it strange to think how this however many metres by however many metres has been a constant for me for 20 years amongst so many variables. buildings definitely make me the most nostalgic, i think. my aunt recently sold her house that she's lived in the whole time i've been alive and moved into a new town, and although that's not really any of my business  it saddens me that i'll never be able to go back to somewhere that i spent a lot of time in as a child, at christmas and in summertime. my family has also been trying to clear out my grandma's house since she died in february. it's a 2 hour drive away and i haven't gone to help them because i don't really want to face that idea. my grandma and i were always close and i spent so much time in her house also. it'll definitely affect me to see her house unoccupied like that, the high ceilings and hollow rooms. i was clearing out my text messages a couple of weeks ago and i came across one from my grandma at 10:41pm on thursday the 7th of june 2018 that read "hi, iv just been talking to your mum and she told me you are not feeling good at the moment .dont worry everything will get better believe me , i think about you all thetime and maybe il see you soon take care . Love you Grandma xxxx". something about that really hit me. ever since i grew up i felt like i'd drifted away from her and found it difficult to talk to her, so to read that again made me feel awful. i also think the narcissistic thought of being on someone else's mind really makes me feel sad too, because i wonder what they see when they think of me. it's all just very sad.