my uncle died of the coronavirus, i don't know what day. every day is the same. over a month ago. my dad told me as i was halfway down the stairs just having woken up. the weight of the words never registered, the physical distance between my family has been and still is a barrier. i've never felt close with them. being so far away from them meant i wasn't inside that aura of other people's grief, so i didn't feel the effect of that, which, in the case of me not processing a death, has previously helped for it to kick in. it's always at the funeral of someone that it really registers. my parents went to his funeral but i couldn't go because of the ten person limit. i don't think it'll actually register until i meet my family for christmas, which won't happen if the virus is still around at the end of the year. i don't feel sad. i don't feel like it's happened. in theory i feel bad for my aunt, who previously moved into that new house in a sailing town because my uncle was interested in sailing. it was never her passion and i don't think she was ecstatic, but that's what he wanted and she wanted to see him happy. now she's in that house with her two sons who moved in from busy jobs in london.
i feel angry about it, actually. angry that he didn't deserve to go like that. he was a genuinely nice man and i wish i knew him better. i'm angry that so much pressure is being put on healthcare workers and that they don't have adequate protection and aren't payed enough, yet are being hailed as "heaven sent heros" by the very government that has not helped them. they're people that want to do their jobs and want to be paid what they're worth. i'm angry that the uk government is so incompetent, that tories have caused so many deaths, not just the 30,000 people from the virus but the people that died from benefit cuts. i can't describe the feeling i get whenever i sit down and watch boris johnson's 10 minutes of wishy washy indirect ""advice"".  t's a searing hot anger that i don't think i have ever felt before.




to be selfish, thinking about this time, a time where i'm in my early twenties and dreading every minute of aging were i'm not doing something outstanding or kickstarting a career, is terrifying. i can't think about growing older the same way i can't think about the end of lockdown. i can daydream about anything else but when it comes to logical and lateral thinking about the future my mind draws a blank. it's somewhat comforting to know i'm not 100% alone in this regard, with numerous tiktoks telling me that other young adults thought that they would be dead before they were 18 too. comforting in the same vein of realisation that no adult really knows what they're doing, which is actually 70% comforting 30% concerning, because if no one knows what they're doing is this it? is this how my life will pan out? no passions or goals anymore, just cold, hard nothing?

Need to understand God. To tie in the end you \\\\\\\\ everyone should personally start with your soul \\\\\\\\. We in the universe with God's relationship \\\\ channel \\\\ 3rd EYE \\\\ Image that we reasonably can to create and modify a moment of life in each new universe. This is - the image that remains in Infinity Eternity. The main force of the universe and we all moved to create the image of the god \\\\\\\\ to accumulate positive experience - \\\\ LOVE \\\\\\\\ BLISS \\\\\\\\ HAPPINESS \\\\\\\\. Dice already played \\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\ Einstein. CHILDREN \\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\ God and the devil - the time to play golf. . Hint - always goes to Svet.The chip - Key to GOD - your dushe- \\\\ rainbow of colors \\\\ row feelings \\\\ algorithms emotional outbursts. \\\\ find original angel.

fahcsitopnoetuoapistioreiot

🏠

i've been back in my childhood bedroom for almost a year now, and i find it strange to think how this however many metres by however many metres has been a constant for me for 20 years amongst so many variables. buildings definitely make me the most nostalgic, i think. my aunt recently sold her house that she's lived in the whole time i've been alive and moved into a new town, and although that's not really any of my business  it saddens me that i'll never be able to go back to somewhere that i spent a lot of time in as a child, at christmas and in summertime. my family has also been trying to clear out my grandma's house since she died in february. it's a 2 hour drive away and i haven't gone to help them because i don't really want to face that idea. my grandma and i were always close and i spent so much time in her house also. it'll definitely affect me to see her house unoccupied like that, the high ceilings and hollow rooms. i was clearing out my text messages a couple of weeks ago and i came across one from my grandma at 10:41pm on thursday the 7th of june 2018 that read "hi, iv just been talking to your mum and she told me you are not feeling good at the moment .dont worry everything will get better believe me , i think about you all thetime and maybe il see you soon take care . Love you Grandma xxxx". something about that really hit me. ever since i grew up i felt like i'd drifted away from her and found it difficult to talk to her, so to read that again made me feel awful. i also think the narcissistic thought of being on someone else's mind really makes me feel sad too, because i wonder what they see when they think of me. it's all just very sad.

23/02/2018 not corfu
23/02/2018 bit of rough
22/02/2018 richard bachman
11/02/2018 delilah and jezebel
06/01/2018 books and sketchbooks
04/01/2018 smothered in mink
02/01/2018 not sure if  i was paying half attention, bu
27/12/2017 this reads like fiction
18/12/2017 12am
12/12/2018 bk2snMjsrck9
04/12/2018 tom kerridge yorkshire pudding recipe
08/11/2018 go pick yourself an orchid
25/09/2017 milk

forbidden!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

learning to be here and nowhere else.

ypobdrd

4094 2874

100

79

internet obituary

Whoever is Tara Medium will die in a car crash Whoever is Tara Medium will die in an accident Whoever is Tara Medium will die in an Accident whoever is Tara Medium will Get Shot 1000 Times Every time Whoever is Tara Medium uses her psychic ability or psychic attacks or any power this spell will double or multiply by 200 causing Whoever is Tara medium's death and destruction of all of Whoever is Tara medium and Whoever is Tara medium's psychic attacks will be destroyed by 99,999 Dead psychic Mediums and everything from a possessed storm drainage pipe in the middle of the woods out behind a cemetery just outside of Streetsville in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada will go into Whoever Is Tara Medium's heart and Whoever is Tara medium's life will be sent to a blue fire and Whoever is Tara Medium's Aura will Parish and Whoever is Tara Medium's soul Will Go and whoever is Tara medium's heart will be destroyed and sent to a red star for eternity